As a professional full-time travel blogger, I get a lot of inquiries from my readers looking for travel tips and advice. Most of them refer to me as a “travel goddess” or “the female Rick Steves” and they typically end with something like “why don’t you have a show on the Travel Channel yet?” And to all of that I say, yes.
But I didn’t always have the words “travel expert” on my resume in large, bold, italic, underlined letters. You may not realize this, but during our year-long honeymoon, Jeremy and I actually made a LOT of silly mistakes. How naive we were! How accident-prone and clumsy! Obviously that’s all in our past and definitely not just indicative of who we truly are at our very cores.
So now that we’ve grown into mature post-honeymooners, I wanted to write a tongue-in-cheek post featuring a few of our favorite travel tips. Er, sorry: our favorite TERRIBLE travel tips. Some of these are based on our own misguided decisions, and others are inspired from beloved friends, travel companions, and family members that we’ve had the misfortune of traveling with.
Let’s all put our tongues firmly in our cheeks – yes, there you go, push that wad of gum out of the way, that’s it – and get started. And remember, dear readers, please do not try any of these at home.
Table of Contents
Psst: looking for legitimately useful travel tips? We’ve got those, too. Here’s a few posts you can check out that we swear are ACTUALLY helpful.
- Travel Safety Tips: How to Protect Yourself and Prevent Theft while Traveling
- How to Plan a Trip: Practical Travel Planning Tips
- How to Be a More Responsible Tourist
- The Best Credit Card for International Travel (& Why I’ll Never Travel Without It Again)
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Terrible Travel Packing Tips
1. Roll your clothes instead of folding them so you can pack 3x more than you actually need.
You’ll reduce wrinkles, feel incredibly productive, and most importantly, fit a LOT more useless stuff into your suitcase or backpack. When you roll your clothes, you can cram entire outfits that you definitely don’t need into a very small space.
If you can roll tight enough, you just might able to double your overall backpack weight AND the amount of clothes you definitely won’t wear during your trip! Go on … take that 5th pair of shoes.
2. Sneak clothes into your travel partner’s bag when they’re not looking.
Once you’ve stuffed every inch of your own suitcase or backpack, you might find yourself without a place to pack your hair straightener, makeup bag, favorite books, childhood teddy bear, Dirndl, and drone.
When your partner’s back is turned, tuck a bunch of your stuff underneath the stuff in THEIR suitcase. Hide it really good, so that they’re like “weird, I ran out of room and I haven’t even packed all of my clothes yet,” and then you can tsk tsk disapprovingly at them. This is especially satisfying if they made fun of YOU for over-packing. So hypocritical!
3. Bring travel-sized portable versions of your favorite home appliances.
When’s the last time your hotel room had a portable juicer? Exactly. Committing to a lifestyle of health and fitness isn’t easy when you travel, but don’t let it derail your progress.
Pack this portable juicer for on-the-go detoxification, this tiny slow-cooker to make healthy single-serving meals on the go, or this portable sauna so you can get your steam on everywhere you go.
Not currently on the health and fitness train? No worries! Pack this Easy Bake Oven – yep, like the one from your childhood – so you can make tiny travel-sized cookies and baked goods from the comfort of your hotel room!
For a full list of our favorite unnecessary travel products, click here.
Awful Tips for Planning Your Trip
4. Bring old, barely functioning flip phones on international trips instead of your fancy, functioning smart phones.
Everyone knows that people in other countries are THIRSTY for your 5-year old iPhone, so leave it at home just to be safe. You’ll get by just fine with that Nokia phone from the 90’s. Nobody will steal it, and you’ll never be tempted to take it out on the street to look for directions, use the internet, take a photo, or other ridiculous unnecessary things that just INVITE theft.
5. Before your trip, print out all of the directions you’ll need from Google Maps or Mapquest.
I actually inherited this travel tip from my mom, who is still Mapquest’s #1 best customer. When you arrive at the airport, you’ll know exactly how to get to your hotel thanks to the handy instructions you already printed for yourself – you’re SO organized! You’ll need to carry along a giant stack of papers every where you go, so make sure you have space in your bag for a 3-ring binder.
Another benefit of printing your directions is that when you inevitably get lost, you can easily retrace your steps. You’ll also share an authentic interaction with a local who you’ll need to ask for help. Trust me: never once will you miss your Smartphone!
6. Avoid any countries that don’t have an excellent relationship with the USA, or that has been involved in a war in the last 30 years.
It doesn’t matter if the conflict is over, the scenery is stunning, and the food is incredible – those places just aren’t SAFE. What might those people DO to an innocent US citizen like you?!
No, no, best to stick to destinations where you KNOW you’ll be welcome, like Canada, the UK, and Russia. And as of very recently, North Korea!
7. Base your travel plans on TV and movies.
Who hasn’t watched Eat, Pray Love or Under the Tuscan Sun and immediately purchased plane tickets?! I mean, we never would have fallen in love with Portland if it weren’t for Portlandia, which is an excellent and accurate guide to the city.
Traveling primarily to places you’ve seen on TV will help you know exactly what to expect – you won’t have any unrealistic expectations.
8. Memorize a few basic phrases in the local language, but be sure to pronounce them as poorly as possible.
This both demonstrates that you’re the type of considerate traveler who bothered to crack open a phrase book, and also significantly increases the likelihood that locals will take pity on you and speak English.
9. Double book all of your travel.
Going from one city to the next? You’ll want to make ABSOLUTELY SURE you’re covered, so book multiple options. You’ll have the flexibility of deciding whether you want to fly, take a bus, or train to your next destination, or just spend the whole day argueing with the refund agent on the phone instead.
Bonus Tip: Don’t tell your spouse what you booked – the surprise will add excitement to your marriage!
10. Skip buying travel insurance.
Travel insurance is such a RACKET! When has anyone ever needed to go to a doctor overseas, or cancel their trip for a family emergency, or had a flight delayed for over 8 hours?! Nobody, that’s who. World Nomads is probably making out like BANDITS. Save your money and spend it on something REALLY useful, like a tie-dye t-shirt with your name on it and some bandaids. Not sure if travel insurance is worth it? We’ve got a detailed guide to travel insurance that will help you decide.
11. Schedule out every waking minute of your trip in advance.
You don’t want to waste a single second of your exciting adventure sitting around Googling “things to do in Paris,” do you?! NO! That’s for inexperienced travelers and flakes, which you are NOT.
You’ve got a schedule to keep, and absolutely nothing will deter you from following it TO THE LETTER! As a bonus, your minute-by-minute itineraries will also come in handy later as an outline for a blog post, guide book, or thesis.
Bad Advice for Avoiding Theft When You Travel
12. Use a tripod to take pictures of yourself.
Everyone knows that selfie sticks are an irritating, idiotic Millennial habit, like eating avocado toast and taking out student loans. No wonder none of us can afford to buy houses. Also, you left your Smartphone safely at home, so you’ll need to bring an actual camera anyway.
To deter the thieves lurking around every corner, tie a steel cable (like this one) around your tripod and lock it to your own leg or arm, so that the thief is mildly inconvenienced and/or subject to your screams of outrage as they attempt to run off with your PERSONAL BELONGINGS.
13. If you rent a car, ask to be upgraded to the biggest, flashiest car available.
Sure, you might be a moving target for thieves and corrupt policemen, and you won’t be able to fit into any parking spots. And at some point, you may find yourself with a broken taillight stuck in a medieval castle in France … or something.
But this is your VACATION, so treat yo’self! Oooh, Cheryl from work is gonna be sooooooo jealous.
14. Keep your valuables in a fanny pack.
Passports, credit cards, your flip phone, photos of your cat, and your class ring should all go in a fanny pack tied firmly around your waist. Any thieves looking to take advantage of you will have to engage in hand-to-hand combat in order to get to your stuff.
Plus, chances are that the fanny pack alone will be enough of a theft deterrent. Nobody wants to steal from someone wearing a fanny pack. Especially this one. *shudder*
15. Have the full value of your student loans printed on all of your clothes to deter thieves.
This is a clever tactic that not many people think of, but it’s HIGHLY effective. Once a would-be thief realizes that you’re walking around with $126,485 of debt from a for-profit art school hanging over your head, they’ll feel so sorry for you that they just might give YOU money.
If you can’t afford custom printed clothing or this t-shirt, just tearfully recite the number by heart to any muggers or thieves. Shouting it at their back as they run away may not get them to turn around, but they’ll probably feel REALLY guilty.
The Worst Money-Saving Travel Tips1
16. Stop by a grocery store for sandwich supplies instead of eating out.
It’s always fun to see what quirky foods international grocery stores have – marmite?! What the heck is that?! – but don’t buy any of them. Instead, pick up white bread, jelly, and whatever looks like it might be peanut butter, or maybe some packages of bologna and American cheese. You’ll save a TON of money and won’t need to go out of your comfort zone to try any weird local foods!
17. Haggle with everyone about absolutely everything.
Haggling is common literally everywhere in the world except for the USA, and it’s perfectly acceptable to negotiate pricing with every taxi driver, waiter, shop owner, and hotel concierge that you meet.
Be aggressive and don’t take no for an answer! You KNOW they’re making a killing off of gullible tourists by charging them inflated prices to account for the fact that tourists have a stronger and more stable currency and can afford a higher cost of living.
It doesn’t matter if you’re comfortable paying the price they quoted in the first place because it’s still incredibly cheap compared to what you’re used to – it’s the principal of the thing! Why pay $20, which you can absolutely afford and might buy their family food for a whole month, when you can pay $2 and feel like you WON!?
18. If you’re traveling long term with a romantic partner, book hostel dorms for your entire trip.
You’ll save money and REALLY amp up the sexual tension, which you won’t be able to address for the duration of your trip. When you eventually make it back home, you’ll appreciate one another so much more! Plus, it will be a great anecdote for parties: “we spent our first year of marriage sleeping separately in dorm rooms with 8 other people!” Ha ha ha, so quirky!
That said: if you do splurge on a private room, definitely spring for the ensuite. Sure, it’s an extra $50 a night and nobody will come to clean it for the duration of your stay, but you’ll be saving 10 whole steps to the shared bathroom down the hall. Plus, you’ll never have to interact with anyone!
19. Shop for souvenirs at the airport.
This is the best place to get authentic, fairly-priced crafts made by local artists. Plus, everything will have the name of the place you visited on it, so you can proudly start conversations about your trip with everyone back at home. Especially Cheryl, who flashes around her Turks & Caicos keychain like it’s a 50 carat wedding ring.
Bad Ideas to Try During Your Trip
20. Tackle some really difficult hikes during your trip that you would never do at home.
Everyone knows that people who travel a lot are in terrific shape. Spending a few weeks or days or hours traveling will quickly transform your body into the 6-packed ab warrior that you’ve always wanted to be, and suddenly a 3-day self-guided hike through the Andes will be absolutely no problem at all. #YOLO!
21. Plan to wake up several hours before sunrise and do yoga every day.
Travel you is going to be your BEST SELF EVER! Once you smell that fresh ocean air, you’ll forget how comfortable your bed is and how you’ve never once been able to wake up before 10am unless you’re being paid for it. You’ll also suddenly develop an incredible amount of flexibility and inner peace. Ahhh, travel.
22. Expect everywhere you go to be exactly the same as it is at home.
Whether it’s shaking hands with someone you’ve just met or throwing your toilet paper into the toilet even though there are signs everywhere that explicitly tell you not to, just live your life as if you’re at home and not in a completely different country.
One thing that really helps is to stick to visiting chains that you recognize from home. My dad, for example, is an expert at ordering exactly the same drink at Starbucks no matter what state or country he’s in (4 shots of espresso and hot water in a grande cup, with a cup of ice on the side and 3 packets of Splenda. This is, sadly, not an exaggeration. That is his actual drink order. Now you all know why I’m so extra).
23. To experience local flavors and foods, just visit your favorite fast food restaurants.
Did you know that you can get green tea Blizzards in Thailand? Or that McDonald’s in India serves a spicy paneer wrap? That’s right: you can experience exciting, authentic local food all in the comfort of a familiar place! Who needs street food!? Trying the Dry Pork & Seaweed Doughnut at Dunkin’ Donuts in China is fun, exciting, and will make a great story for later. Cheryl is NEVER going to believe this.
There is one glaring exception, though. Thorough, scientific research has been done, and at least 2 travel experts agree: Taco Bell tastes exactly the same everywhere in the world. Look, do we really need to tell you why we know this to be a fact? It just is. Trust us.
Appalling Advice for After Your Trip
24. Edit the sh*t out of all of your photos before putting them on Instagram.
Who cares that you had a great time and really enjoyed yourself if you didn’t look like a celebrity the entire time? What matters isn’t what you did, it’s what other people think of what you did. So don’t put ANYTHING on social media until you’ve edited out every stretch mark, made yourself look more “tan,” tamed your flyaway hair, and whitened your teeth using the magic of Lightroom or Photoshop.
Then, write really vague photo descriptions that make it sound like you were bored the whole time, like “another day another flight #alwaystraveling.”
25. Assume your position as the foremost travel expert on anywhere that you visited, even if you were only there for a few days.
It doesn’t matter that you only visited Paris for 48 hours and didn’t venture away from what Google said were the “top 10 most visited attractions in Paris,” you are now THE resident Paris expert. Anyone you know who might be considering visiting Paris should come to YOU for advice. If you see that someone is in Paris or visited Paris on Facebook and they didn’t consult with you first, you are right to be offended.
Similarly, if you have a blog, you are fully entitled to create a post titled something like “Paris Ultimate Guide.” No, it doesn’t need to be long, or comprehensive, or informative. What do you think this is, Lonely Planet? 500 words and 35 photos of you in front of the Eiffel Tower will do just fine.
Go on, admit it … you’re guilty of one of these. Or maybe you’re like us and guilty of the vast majority of them.
Which ones made you laugh, which ones made you question your life choices, and which ones made you think “oh my GOD, that is definitely someone I know?” Drop us a comment below!
Psst: Do you think we’re like, kinda funny, sort of? Here are some more posts you might like!
- 25 Things We Never Asked for from Traveling the World for a Year
- 25 Things Nobody Tells You About Traveling While Fat
- What Not to Pack for Long Term Travel: 10 Things We Wish We Did & Didn’t Pack
- 28 Totally Unnecessary Travel Gifts (That You’ll Low-Key Want)
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Our Top Travel Tips & Resources
- Booking Flights: To score flight deals, search on Skyscanner or Kayak. Money-saving tips: fly mid-week or on the weekend; fly carry-on only on a budget airline; and take red-eyes or early morning flights.
- Accommodations: We usually stay in budget-friendly, vacation rentals, boutique hotels or private rooms in hostels. We use Booking.com to book hotels (we love their flexible cancellation policy) and Hostelworld to book hostels (low deposit, easy change/cancellation, and excellent reviews). For vacation rentals, we prefer to book using VRBO (they've got lower fees and better support than Airbnb, and we're not fans of Airbnb's unethical track record.) You can also book vacation rentals on Expedia and Hotels.com. We've also used TrustedHousesitters as both hosts (for our home and our fur-child) and travelers!
- Travel Insurance: We always, always, ALWAYS buy travel insurance for international trips, and we STRONGLY suggest it - visit our Travel Insurance Guide to find out why. We recommend either World Nomads or SafetyWing for international travel insurance. SafetyWing is one of the few policies that covers Covid-19, and they have excellent monthly policies that are perfect for Digital Nomads and long term travelers!
- Vaccines & Meds: We use the travel guides on the CDC website to research recommended medications and vaccines for international trips. We always recommend getting every vaccine recommended by the CDC! You can get them at your primary care doctor's office or a walk-in pharmacy.
- Tours: We love booking guided tours, especially food tours and walking tours, to get a local's perspective and a history lesson while sight-seeing! We book our tours using Viator and GetYourGuide.
- Transportation: We use Rome2Rio to figure out how to get from place to place using public transit, and book local transportation online using Bookaway wherever we can. When we book a rental car, we use Kayak to compare rental companies and find the best deal.
- Luggage Storage: Whenever we're checking out early or taking advantage of a long layover, we use Stasher or LuggageHero to safely store our luggage while we're running around. On Stasher, you can use the code PW10 for 10% off!
- What to Pack: Here are the travel essentials that we bring on every trip. We also have packing lists for hot weather, cold weather, and many more. Take a look at all of our packing guides!
Cay says
Lia – You are so funny! I forgot about your terrible travel tips, so it was a good laugh to read them again!
As we get older (maybe wiser, but more like weaker and it gets harder to hoist that carry on into the overhead storage bin!) we pack a little bit better and lighter than we did 30 years ago! But now it’s easy to buy almost anything that you need but forgot to pack.
We actually were able to go to Oahu and Big Island during early May for a couple of weeks. I guess 1 1/2 years of no travel because of covid messed up our travel brains because I forgot to pack my travel sized hair shampoo and conditioner bars (thick/tangly hair!) and facial moisturizer. But I brought tons of sanitizer, wipes, mosquito repellent/wipe/Thermacell & accessories and of course all the hotels and car rentals provided little sanitizer bottles and wipes so we didn’t need them! And of course there were no mozzies this trip, so I didn’t even use all the mosquito arsenal! Of course, if I hadn’t brought those items, then we’d be eaten alive by those mozzies!
We try not to check bags and can get by with a carry on and personal bag each and just do laundry to pack less clothes. But when we go to SE Asia, we usually include a stay in Japan and then have to bring the “obligatory” gifts for relatives (omiyage – a very Japanese thing) and they also give omiyage back. Sometimes those “gifts” going and returning have required most of the space in a 28-30″ checked suitcase, because it’s different families and of course my mom has to give me gifts from her to those various relatives!
And the relatives reciprocate and give gifts for our family, my mom, and other relatives here! And Japan is a bit more “formal” so even though we’re on vacation and it’s summer and hot and humid, I’ll pack a couple of extra long pants to wear. At least they’re the travel type lightweight and fast drying Royal Robbins or Prana type pants and some nicer looking shirts, so I don’t look so bummy on the trains!
Oh well, since the checked suitcase is large enough we can usually add the stuff (like unique Kit Kat flavors, teas, and gadgets or gizmos!) we buy for ourselves and my mom from Japan. Fortunately hubby has some elite status on an airline, so he gets extra luggage allowance for free and we’ve even brought an extra suitcase that was almost empty because we know we may buy more junk! And at least we’re not paying any luggage fees for it! Just a hassle to lug it around if Japan isn’t our last stop before heading home!
And kind of guilty of putting some of my stuff into hubby’s carry on. But we always pack one set of clothes (shirt, pants, underwear, socks) into each other’s carry on in case the bag gets lost or whatever, so at least we can shower or change clothes if we get stranded somewhere!
Enjoy your articles! Thanks for the laughs!
Lia Garcia says
These are excellent tips! We’ve also learned through many mishaps that it’s a good idea to leave extra space in our suitcase to account for all the stuff we want to bring back home with us, but we seem to keep forgetting that we’ve learned that and packing our suitcases to the gills 😛 Thanks so much for sharing, Cay!!
Smith Shadow says
Great list of tips! The most important I would have to say is Travel Medical Insurance. I’ve always said, if you can afford to travel, you can afford travel insurance. Don’t leave home without it!
Lia Garcia says
We agree entirely!
Isabella Jones says
It was high time someone penned down an article that said it all about travel and I am so happy that you did. It was such a fun read. It had everything to keep me hooked till the end. Your words and the life you’ve chosen to lead is inspiring. All my blessings and love to you. Keep traveling and writing!
Lia Garcia says
You’re so sweet, Isbabella! You totally made my day <3
Cindy deRosier says
HAHAHAHA! I’m totally guilty of #11… as proven by the blog post I have up today, by weird coincidence!
Emily Frank says
Love it! Although I have one teeny, tiny disagreement – Taco Bell in Tokyo does NOT taste like Taco Bell in America. Their “nachos” are actually knock-off DORITOS!! This sounds like it would be incredible but it was actually a bit of a sad moment for someone who really misses Tostitos. (I can admit to the shame of eating at Taco Bell in Japan only because we live in small-town China and this was our one-and-only chance to get a taste of our much-beloved pseudo-Mexican American classic in 9 months).
Lia Garcia says
TBH I could totally see them pulling some Dorito nacho nonsense here in the states too 😛 we haven’t tried Taco Bell in Tokyo, but now that you’ve told us this, we’re 100% going to.
Ferny says
I was a flight attendant before my travel blog, so Of course I have stories. At the beginning my bag was full of everything I don’t need. Now I understand a lot more how to enjoy the trips. I love your post! So hilarious
Lia Garcia says
Thanks Ferny! I bet you’re full of legitimately useful travel tips 😛
Sarah says
LOL this is so funny!! Love this!! It made me laugh so hard!
Lia Garcia says
Yay! That’s what I’m here for 🙂
Beth Anne says
Ha ha this made me laugh a lot. I’m very guilty of being attached to my tripod. I admit it. I have a problem
Lia Garcia says
Full disclosure: we’re currently looking into buying a full sized tripod 😛 they’re super handy! … Unless someone grabs the whole thing and runs off with it, of course.
Sarah says
I am 100% guilty of hiding belongings in my husband’s suitcase. But come on… we’re married!! They’re “our” suitcases!!
Lia Garcia says
I think I actually came up with the idea for this post after Jeremy caught me hiding stuff in his suitcase for the 25th time 😀
Lauren says
This made me laugh so much – I love, love, LOVE the way you write. It’s like having a conversation with a hilarious friend! A few people definitely spring to mind when reading this (including myself at times!)
Lia Garcia says
Awwww! My goal in life is to be the hilarious friend, so this makes me so happy!
Lena says
Hahaha! Guilty of at least two – but I can live with that Great post, love it
Lia Garcia says
Wow, only 2? I literally have done all of these. All.
Kat says
These are genius! I know I’m definitely guilty of some of them, but I would never, ever abuse my husband’s trust my hiding my clothes in his bag. Nope. Not me…. ok, ok- it was only like one (seven) times. 🙂 And really, if the photos aren’t on Instagram, did you even really go???
Lia Garcia says
The sanctity of marriage is so much more important than having 3 extra shirt options, right?
….. right?
atravellersfootsteps says
Hahaha loved reading this
Lia Garcia says
Thank you!